STEP FAMILIES - Considering the Children

Re-partnering and creating a step family represents a new start for the partners. However, this new start presents many challenges, particularly for children that are not encounter in a first partnership family. Facing these challenges can be tough and requires resilience and flexibility in all your roles as partner, parent and step-parent. In these changed circumstances what are to be the rules of the house, who should discipline when the rules are ignored or broken? And guilt, if you don't feel the same about "the other children" as you do about your own.

Remember the children are adjusting too and may consider they are in competition with the new partner. New brothers and sisters may not always be welcomed.

These difficulties can be influenced by a series of myths that stepfamilies adopt. These myths can get in the way of making the adjustments that need to be made to create a happy and harmonious family. Don't be downcast step families can and do work. A range of research has found that attention to parenting practices can promote adjustment to the new situation.

These include:

Time and attention
Children can experience a deterioration in their relationship with their parent through the creation of a stepfamily, they can feel they have lost time and attention from their parent.

Solution - ensure you have time alone with your children separate from stepfamily time.

Consultation and information
Children and young people can often feel they have not been properly consulted or informed about the changes associated with forming a stepfamily.

Solution - make the transition slowly giving children time to adjust.

The role of the step-parent
Step-parents who are experienced by their stepchildren as overly strict and authoritarian often have a poor relationship with them. Children tend to believe that their stepparent has no right to "tell them to do stuff" leaving the parent feeling torn between their partner and their children.

Solution – as a rule of thumb the biological parent should be responsible for support and discipline of their biological children.

Ongoing conflict between divorced parents
Even after the creation of a stepfamily some divorced parents continue to be in conflict with their former partner over the children. In these circumstances family politics in stepfamilies can be very uncomfortable for children particularly if they feel they can't talk about what they did in the other family or with the other parent.

Solution– show respect for the other parent and don't put the children in the middle.

Finally, the meaning of creating a stepfamily will be seen differently by adults and children. Creating a stepfamily ends the child's fantasy that their parents will get back together. Children will see the formation of the new family as part of a process and that process is one of change and disruption of their lives. Adults will see the new family and partnership as a positive, supportive change and will want their children to have a "family relationship" with a new partner. Don’t rush it - be aware that individuals, including children, adjust at different rates.

If problems persist seek help.